PAD 3/13/2013 – “I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!”

PAD 3/13/2013 – Silver Screen

Take a quote from your favorite movie — there’s the title of your post. Now, write!

“I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!”

Without a doubt my favorite movie of all time is Airplane. Anyone who knows me really should watch and learn because that movie is one of the best and funniest movies that has ever been made. There are so many kinds of comedy expressed in that movie that it makes me giggle uncontrollably even just recalling some of them. The quote from Lloyd Bridges, playing McCroskey is just one of many, but it’s one of the most useful especially for me at work. There are times when work tries me so much that the escalating substance abuse lines that McCroskey says during the movie accurately reflect much of my emotional state of disbelief that I endure while at work. Whenever I’m feeling down, or when happiness just seems a little out of reach I’ll play this movie for myself and I always feel so much better afterwards.

I wrote before about how blogging is kind of like therapy. So are the movies, especially this movie. The ability to laugh is essential and laughter is much like a hug from a loved one. To quote one of the best lines from one of my favorite TV series, which is Pushing Daisies, a hug is like an emotional heimlich maneuver. It grabs you and helps you eject awful feelings and makes life better. Laughing while hugging? Why, yes! Better than any drug!

PAD 3/28/2013 – Happy Happy Joy Joy

We cry for lots of reasons: sadness, pain, fear . . . and happiness. When was the last time you shed tears of joy?

It was actually a movie that did it to me. The first time, hell, every time I watch “Rise of The Guardians” there is one part of the movie, near the end that gets me all choked up each and every time. It had been so long since a movie was able to get such a pronounced emotional response from me that I did panic just a little when I felt my cheeks peppered with tears. If you haven’t seen the movie, you really should, and if you have, you know exactly what I mean.

Definitely the Moon…

As I was tending to dinner I started just mumbling stock tunes and plugging in random lyrics as I often times do. Then it hit me.

A tasteless gay porn video with a retro 70’s outfitted cast, bell bottoms, powder-blue frilly pirate shirts, the cheesiest period-Muzak available and the plot is during the civil war, with a poorly-done knockoff of “The Picture of Dorian Gray” as a shamefully plugged plot device… Then the title, which caps it all off: “Dougie does Daguerreotypes”!

LULZ!

That’s what idleness, a full moon, and a touch of Gemini Rising can do for ya! Hah! 🙂

Les Miserables is delightfully blasphemous

I was reading this article on CNN on how the movie was specifically targeted to Christian evangelicals. I certainly agree with the premise and message of this article and I didn’t have anything directly to comment on.

After watching the movie, and this isn’t going to give away anything really since everyone at this point knows the general gist of the story, if not by the Broadway or Off-Broadway production of the work or even the source book, the fact that they released the movie on Christmas Day and also featured a series of scenes (not just one) where Santa is led into Thenardier’s Inn for some alcoholic and carnal refreshment. I find the image of a freshly tossed Santa wandering into the snow and sitting on a wooden box being pulled by an ass is  an utterly delightful multidimensional blasphemy.

Universal has balls. Giant glittering Christmas balls. Release it on Christmas, whore up Santa, and then micromarket the movie to Christian evangelicals.

I would say that based on previous scenes of the movie, that the Thenardier’s may have plied Santa with liquor mixed with urine. So the blasphemy gets even more insidious and blasphemous as you contemplate this section of the movie. Released on Christmas, Liquor/piss-swilling, whore-tossing Santa who rides on a dull box (the sleigh went AWOL) pulled not by Reindeer, but by an … Ass. It’s like an obscene and elaborate hat-bow to people like me who can appreciate a earnest and heartfelt passion for obnoxious blasphemy against a religious figure. Then the cherry on top, which is that aforementioned evangelicals will suggest everyone in their flock go to see this movie for it’s religious overtones only to unintentionally deliver this hidden gem to their followers and nobody will walk away from the movie even mentioning it.

Nobody will be upset because the movie covers an emotional slap and tickle with bookended emotional bombs. You’ll be so overwhelmed with being emotionally victimized by this movie, and being glad for it, that you’ll overlook this whole Santa blasphemy.

Bravo!

Ruining The Hobbit

We went to go see The Hobbit at Celebration Cinema at Crossroads Mall in Portage Michigan. The movie itself was okay, it suffered from some pacing problems I thought and it was rather long-in-the-tooth for overall playtime however it’s a big story so you almost have to endure it, along with what appears to be two other movies. When it’s done it’s going to be a six movie epic, much like Star Wars.

When we walked into the theater we noticed several seats that were marked “Reserved for DBOX Customers” and so we simply avoided them and sat elsewhere. This cinema has stadium seating so you could really sit anywhere, except right up in front, and have an enjoyable experience.

The movie started, everything was going according to plan, trailers, opening credits, then the movie itself. Nothing exciting or untoward until the first battle scene. The loud noise from the speaker system was joined with a tactile vibration and a rather annoying single-note throbbing sound. Turns out, it was these DBOX seats. Someone apparently paid for one of them to be activated and it was making a hell of a racket. It was so unsettling and disturbing that it almost ruined the movie for me, except that the movie kind of ruined itself, sort of. It was unpleasant, to say the least.

This DBOX thing is the latest cash grab from movie theaters trying to make a buck. They screw you for concessions (there are two definitions for concession, yah) and then there are all the other little add-on bits, like the difference between primetime and matinée prices, which I will admit has been around for quite a while, but it’s still a cash grab, all the way to the most recent worthless misadventures in cinema:

– IMAX and IMAX 3D
– 42 FPS Projection
– Real3D
– DBOX “Feel Around” Seats

Each of these things is fluff. The 3D doesn’t really add anything more than eyestrain and cluster headaches, IMAX is just a double-sized screen and new projectors, the 42FPS schlock that Peter Jackson is trying to hawk is just as useless. One thing I will give 42FPS, when Peter Jackson uses quick-cut-scenes in his dialogue pieces in his movies, you can feel the crisp tight jarring all the more than you could with lower-FPS presented movies. The latest bit of movie-time bullshit is this DBOX crap. Seats and shake and throb, little more than magic fingers for movie seats. It’s the collision of sex toys and movie making that I never thought I would witness in my lifetime. It’s loud, it’s distracting, and it damages whatever movie it’s paired with.

I left the theater glad I only spent $10 bucks for two people, but bent that I had to endure exposure to this cash-grab DBOX bullshit.

What’s the answer? Now that movies take only one to two months to come out on BluRay or DVD, there is something to be said about just waiting around for them to hit Netflix, RedBox, or hell, even a video rental shop and just popping it in at home.

The only reason to go out to the movies is to actually GO. It’s a special space, it’s dark, lots of strangers, there’s a spectacle and you might just lose yourself in what you’re watching. Now, with all this assorted bullshit surrounding the experience you want, making it worse I would argue, it ruins the “going out to the movies” specialness. Not only is it distracting and unnecessary but the collateral damage from some of these fluff bits (like DBOX) just ruins it for everyone, and it adds more price and distance between the movie-going-public and these cinemas. For an IMAX 3D movie, with DBOX seats, with 42FPS projection, a soda, popcorn, perhaps a box of candy for two, you are starting to breach the $100 mark of obnoxiousness.

So what’s going to happen? Cinemas will add more bullshit and the public will eventually erode away. It’s like trying to grab a handful of sand, the harder you squeeze, the faster the sand runs out of your clenched hands. They will have priced themselves out of business with all this extra fluff bullshit. Then, because nature and capitalism abhor a vacuum, there will be new movie theaters without concessions, with a shoestring staff and plain projectors and people will flock to them because that’s what they are after. Not the fluff, but the movie. If things go from bad to worse for the economy, this could be the exact thing that kills the cinema for good. Movie makers will just switch to the “Direct to BluRay” channel and skip theatrical releases altogether.

When mice are put into enclosures with limitless resources, their social behaviour degenerates dramatically. – Science – Aug 11, 2012 – Interesting Facts and Fun Facts – OMG Facts

When mice are put into enclosures with limitless resources, their social behaviour degenerates dramatically. – Science – Aug 11, 2012 – Interesting Facts and Fun Facts – OMG Facts.

I love these studies! They prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that without space travel Humanity is pretty much doomed. I can’t help but think of Star Trek. In that fictional universe there is no want, no need, Earth is a literal paradise. I wonder what would happen to that Universe if you kept everything else the same but eliminated warp travel from the story.

You’d have Universe 25. It wouldn’t be pretty. HA HA HA.

So what is the most important thing in the Star Trek Universe? Warp Travel. Beyond everything else. LULZ.

TOP 5 VILLAIN DEATH SCENES IN SCI-FI HISTORY | geekleagueofamerica.com

TOP 5 VILLAIN DEATH SCENES IN SCI-FI HISTORY | geekleagueofamerica.com.

These five selections are indeed all excellent, however I must admit to my personal preference being the death of the final Alien in the rather poorly done Alien Resurrection. For all this films slogging along the last action scene in the film really is quite (and literally!) visceral to watch. After you witness the “birth” of the hybrid Alien, and after it knocks it’s Alien mothers head clean off it tries to show affection for the blended Ripley. The way she cuts herself on her “child” and then throws her acidic blood at the viewport out into space you can see right from this point where the film is going.

I think that this scene takes the cake for me because it’s quite disgusting to watch, essentially the hole into space with the pressurized atmosphere in the ship leads to an inexorable drawing in of the closest objects to that orifice leading out to space. Then the FX team toy with you, maybe the Alien Hybrid will make it in it’s escape away from the orifice of doom, but we all know that the movie wouldn’t be able to move forward if that was the case, so the hybrid has to die. So it gets sucked towards the orifice and in one very small moment it’s greasy flesh is protruding out into the vacuum of space and then, well, like a rollercoaster it’s all downhill from there. It’s screaming and growling at being betrayed by Ripley is the first bit, then as it gets progressively hoovered out into space through a very tiny hole, the screaming and growling become more of a surprise leading to a kind of painful pleading for help. There really isn’t any help possible, because as the events unfold, a majority of the creatures internal organs are being crushed, blended, and evacuated into space. Then quite gratuitously they show the hybrids literal disemboweling. The keening scream and pleading cries get more pronounced and I actually feel a sense of sympathetic panic for the hybrid. Then, and at the end where it gets really quite awful, the screaming stops because the hybrids pulverized lung tissue is now a gel being pushed out into space and you see just it’s head, then the skin gets hoovered off and the skull. Little waypoints of disgusting horribleness the whole way along.

I vote for this villain’s end because it wasn’t really technically a villain, it was an unwanted maybe-hero as it’s only real action was to kill the true villain, the Alien Queen that “birthed” it. But it had to be disposed of, and this particular approach, well, it reaches in deep and grabs you in the gut and twists and toys with you. Much like witnessing a car doomed to a very horrific collision, you can’t really respond, you just watch in a kind of sickened awe.

It’s the kind of scene that none of my squeamish friends should ever witness. The entire sequence is exceptionally gory, visceral, and the sound effects just push it over the top for me. What a way to die – blenderized and hoovered out into space. There is no playing dead and surprising the “hero” from that point!

The Avengers in IMAX 3D

We just returned from watching The Avengers in IMAX 3D at Celebration Cinemas in Portage. The movie was still as top notch as the last two times we’ve watched it but this was mostly a back and forth for me because classically speaking, IMAX sets off my acrophobia.

My experience with IMAX is set up around the design that many of the early cinemas had, which placed the audience on a kind of escarpment at a sharp angle to the movie screen. Each row of seats top was at the bottom of the next row and vice-versa to the other row. This leads to a very steep sense to “stadium seating” and so became synonymous with the IMAX experience. I was sure the theater that they built would throw off my acrophobia and prevent me from watching the movie.

Turns out, when they built the theater in Portage, they elected to go with a more conservative, relaxed, laid out design where the rows are arranged not very much differently than I am used to with how the seats are arranged at the Rave downtown. Stadium style seats, yes, but not with a pitch so sharp. The pitch is more like a amphitheater than some sort of “trying to screw you” design that IMAX prided it’s earlier self on rendering. Perhaps it’s because this theater had to cope with 3D technology when it comes to playback that lead to the seats being oriented that way. For that I am grateful. The screen is imposing and beautiful and vast, but it isn’t enough to immediately cause me to flee in acrophobic terror.

That all being said, and the presentation was well worth the high cost, even still, there was one problem. The 3D was applied post-processing, essentially painted onto a 2D movie. Without natural 3D capture several scenes that I was presented with caused my head to hurt, my eyes to ache and my tear ducts to water. About halfway through the movie my eyes were in full rebellion, watering like crazy. I would have preferred the movie in 2D and frankly, I’m growing very tired of this 3D whizbang. Perhaps it shows off my age, perhaps my eyes aren’t as young and spry as they used to be, but I had a very hard time processing focus while watching that movie. I had to really concentrate to bring some scenes into focus when watching a movie shouldn’t require the audience to do anything actively. Just sit back and watch.

All in all, I can’t see going back to the IMAX theater for many movies, maybe only for very special ones. The Avengers is a special movie, perhaps The Hobbit, Dark Knight Rising, and Spiderman may be worth it. But I don’t know if my eyes will stop watering and if I’ll have a booming headache tomorrow after my system starts to return to normal after coping with what I was exposed to at IMAX.

It may be that IMAX is a young mans thing, and I’m fine with that. After what I saw and what I felt, I’m amazed that more people weren’t grabbing their heads and wiping their eyes right along with me.

GLMUG, with the Lead Pipe, at NIU.

Just returned from a work-related mini-conference. Every year all the sites that use Sage Millennium gather together in their regions and meet with Sage representatives and talk about the database, how we use it, how we get other people to use it, and to socialize between each other. For us, we are a part of the Great Lakes Millennium Users Group, GLMUG for short. Over the years we have gotten together at WMU, where I work, and other years we have gone to St. Olaf University in Minnesota, Medical College of Wisconsin at Milwaukee, and this year Northern Illinois University.

For these events we are centrally located to pretty much every GLMUG member so for us, we pretty much always drive to wherever is selected to be our host for the meetings. We schedule a three day mini-conference, with the first day occupied by landing and socializing, then we dive into topics the next day, and the last day is mopping up any topics we missed on the second day and talking about the product and sharing notes between each other where one site does something unique and helps another site out. I always enjoy myself during these events because it gives me a ringside seat to some of the biggest changes to the software, brought to us by our Sage rep, as well as some of the biggest challenges to how we use the software. I am a DBA / System Admin so I see things in terms of IT, hardware, training, and the logical parts of how things are arranged. I also have a ‘unique viewpoint’ which often times is at odds with the more soft-pedal approach that most people prefer. I’m brash, sometimes vulgar, but I bring the same passion to these discussions that I do to my workplace. I don’t do anyone any good if I just shuffle along and mumble as a yes man. Fortune favors the bold. If nothing else, I am bold. Sometimes I’m a few other four-letter things too, but bold is nice and friendly.

This year we visited NIU, and it’s the first time I’ve ever been to Dekalb, Illinois. On the way up my coworkers and I got to talking about Illinois trivia that doesn’t have anything to do with Chicago, which is the obvious 800 pound elephant taking a figurative dump in the corner. The only thing that I could readily volunteer was that Illinois is the nation’s number one producer of pumpkins. Funny what you get from a John Carpenter’s Halloween movie trivia track on the DVD. 🙂 I am the movie generation. We see things in terms of movies that we’ve seen, and in a lot of ways we relate to our world through the vocabulary of cinema that we are fond of. I have lost count of the number of times I’ve recognized situations that come out of Airplane!, Clue, or Princess Bride. To say nothing of the endless quotes from those movies. People often times wonder where I get my oddball humor from and I tell them time and time again that those three movies are a great place to start to get to know me better. My mind spends a lot of time thinking about those movies.

Northern Illinois is to Dekalb in a way that WMU is to Kalamazoo. Both schools sort of hug their cities and bring a certain flavor to the area that otherwise wouldn’t be there. Western has our Bronco and the colors from the black-eyed susans that grow here – while NIU are the Huskies and much in the way that Chicago pushed painted plaster cows as a cute city theme, Dekalb pushed painted plaster Husky dogs. Every mascot is adorable in their own way. Cows are harmless herbivores. Broncos are exceptionally handy to ride (and not eat, or turn into glue, Frau Blucher!) and Huskies are arguably one of the most recognizable and adorable dog breeds there are, plus they can pull a sled. The University staff welcomed us warmly and went above and beyond to ensure that our get together was a success.

During these meetings we cover a lot of topics and the overarching theme that I kept on noticing isn’t so much technical issues but rather strategy questions about prospect management. Of course listening to all these schools talking about how they manage their prospects gets me thinking about ways to once-and-for-all solve the issues they all have. Many of them bring it up over and over again and many institutions really kind of muddle along. I see a divide between those that understand the technology and those that have to use the technology but often times aren’t really keen on understanding what they are using coming into conflict with each other. It’s a lot like the gulf that develops between IT staff and those that they support. I’ve written about incuriosity before, that it leads to a kind of prized ignorance and ultimately devolves into an unpleasant puddle of rank dependency. Those that cannot depend on those that can to help them do their jobs. It’s a whirlpool sucking at the overall efficiencies of an organization as nobody can really be said to be nimble when they are trapped in this unusual back-and-forth between executives who should use the system but do not and the support staff that help them by, in some cases, only achieving progress by applying blunt force to the situation.

Much of my exasperation, because that’s really what it is. It’s not irritation although I’m often irritated, but mostly I’m just exasperated. I was raised with a certain work ethic by my parents that has driven me my entire life. Take pride in what you do, be responsible for your actions, and be motivated enough to get your work done in a timely fashion. While my closest coworkers were with me on this trip, I was a party to several conversations which I won’t really go too deeply in on my blog because the thoughts that I harbor in my mind aren’t the most complimentary or charitable when it comes to some of the workplace issues that surround me. The only thing I can really write about is how I feel and what I would do in the situation that has been described to me. It’s mostly a part of my upbringing. I chafe strongly whenever I am a witness to certain entitled vanities. It’s the reason why I’ll never be regarded as senior management because I refuse to sugar coat my opinions. I am not a yes man, I am passionate and outspoken and sometimes exceptionally blunt. I think what really bothers me deep down is laziness. I feel awkward and ashamed if I’m just sitting around spinning my wheels and doing nothing for anyone. I feel driven to help, address issues, or at least try to make a difference in a project or someone else’s life for the better. This drive of mine is in direct opposition to my perceptions of indolence that I see from time to time. I also prize my bluntness. If people can’t or won’t do what is expected of them, then perhaps they should seek out something else to do that suits them better. There is a name for the kind of manager I would be if I had any power, that would be “Hatchet Man” as I would more likely fire someone for being willfully indolent rather than have them hoovering up resources and masquerading as human anchors. Whenever I hear “nobody listens” my nearly reflexive response is “Make their employment hinge on it. They’ll listen then.” which goes over like a leaded balloon. I spend a lot of time keeping quiet under the banner of “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Plus it’s a good thing I don’t have any power over anyone. I’d be a monster.

Another thing that pops up over and over again in my mind is the fable of “The Emperor Has No Clothes” and I find my mind dwelling on the story a lot. There isn’t anything that can be done because in some situations you simply have to endure the awkwardness of the situation. You should speak up, you should say something. You should grab the Emperor and shake him or her like a deranged british nanny and try to wake them up. But in the end you don’t. You just sit there, floating in an irritated miasma and over time it eventually wears down all your sharp edges into smooth dull rounded ones. I sometimes have little fantasies that I like to entertain from time to time, what I would do in certain situations. I end up imagining what I would do in other functional positions with what I know of my passion, my drive, and my work ethic. That I just can’t sit around waiting. That I’ve got to do something, anything, because not doing something would be hell. A good part of this all is that I’m an accomplishment junkie. I love the emotional rush of getting something finished. I don’t care about recognition, I’m quite happy being the ignored little cog in the great watchmakers design, but this cog will do something! I think that’s what I left with from NIU and this mini-conference. What would I do in some of these situations? I still have the idealism and energy of my youth and I’d make sweeping pronouncements and back it up with aggression nobody has ever witnessed. Again, it’s a good thing I keep my own counsel and stay silent.

Beyond some of this more aggressive stuff, we were able to help other people out with some issues they were having and sharing the plight of one institution almost always leads to other institutions either suggesting a new thing to try or accidentally fixing something for someone else who happens to be a semi-involved bystander. It also helps to know that you aren’t the only one, that other people are wrestling with the same kinds of things and in the way that you aren’t really alone offers a kind of consolation. You aren’t singularly damned, you’re just like all the others who are struggling with, well, whatever it may be.

At the end of our meeting we opened the floor to a general question about who might host next time. The fine folks from the University of Wisconsin Foundation leapt at the opportunity so next year we’ll be Milwaukee-bound. I am looking forward to it.

Bridesmaids

Since we didn’t have any real supplies in the house and it was 7pm by the time Scott got out of the gym we decided to skip making dinner and just go out. On our way out we picked up Miah and went to Olde Peninsula. After our meal, and some rather dull cider (which was not their fault, but was a matter of trying something new that flopped) we decided to go see a movie. The movie Bridesmaids was playing at Rave and we all were able to catch it at the student rate, which is $5 per person.

We got to the theater and found seats, the previews came on and they were mostly forgettable. Then the movie started. On the whole the movie Bridesmaids has some very funny and touching moments, but underneath those moments there is a undercurrent of depression. Along with that darkness there is also a kind of black dread that fogs the movie, all the characters are like velveteen rabbits that have been soiled and left in a dumpster to be pecked to pieces by wildlife. It appears as though a movie these days cannot be considered hilarious unless the actors make complete social buffoons of themselves. Many of the sequences felt like elaborate jokes where the writers wanted to set-up the characters like dominoes and tip one over and watch the entire set collapse for the merriment of the audience. To make any of this believable you have to imagine that the people in this movie are at best contrived playthings and at worst, caricatures of truly horrible broken human beings. I laughed at many of the situations depicted in the movie, but afterwards I felt bad about what I laughed at. It felt a lot like standing in a mob and laughing at some poor wounded creature that was struggling for the side of the road so it wouldn’t be run over again. Nobody could put this movie out of it’s misery and so we had to sit through it. While I laughed at parts of this movie, I felt like I had been fleeced. The $5 per ticket price was actually too high for a movie as reprehensible as this one. The primary engine of “Bridesmaids” is the comedy of misery and it leaves you less of a person after you see it than you were when you walked in. The only saving grace is that the movie was a contrivance, that the actors really aren’t this way, that people aren’t trapped in misery that deep.

Bridesmaids is connected to Apatow, and so was The Anchorman, which had a very similar feel. Both movies are soiled productions that rely on the most piquant social awkwardness possible to jam the audience into a very uncomfortable position and then whip a gag out on them to make them laugh. People come away smiling and laughing but also hurt in the exchange.

After watching Bridesmaids, I am done with Mr. Judd Apatow. Much like I am done with “The Anchorman” Will Ferrell. I will not see any other movies with either of their names on it. I’m tired of being entertained in one move and abused in another.

Bridesmaids, Zero out of Ten Stars.

Family Recommendation: Avoid at all costs. Do not view, stream, or rent.