No, not Anonymous the internet group, Anonymous the nobody who is attributed to some really great quotations. Which quote? Well, this one that really strikes a chord with me is truly great:
Quote from Quotations Book
At work I got to talking about the climate and climate change. About how all the weird weather is just going to get worse and how stupid all of it is. From Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth that nobody much cared for because they just don’t like Al Gore is where a lot of the foolishness starts. I started to riff on a theme after that, noticing on the way that a lot of rich people seem to cluster around the water’s edge. I got to laughing as I considered what a pretty good rise in sea level would do. Say goodbye to New Yack, buh-bye Florida, and then there was this: “Oh yes, we have a house in the Hamptons… we’re so filthy rich and ohh-la-la.” … “We had a house in the Hamptons, but that’s all under the sea now.” I shifted gears and thought about a anthropomorphized mother nature beating the tar out of Florida. I don’t really care much for Florida, they have citrus, rain, oppressive heat, and really adorable under-the-sea-level-but-still-dry land contours. What happens when the sea rises? Florida will be covered with sea water. It’s going to be very hard to grow any citrus after an anthropomorphized mother nature is finished SALTING THE EARTH, after all, seawater is saltwater! Anyhow, I eventually returned to climate change and got to talking about how methane is a much worse gas than carbon dioxide when it comes to the greenhouse effect and that got me talking about how American stockyard animals all fart and release Methane.
Then I remembered the little bit of trivia that marsupials don’t host the bacteria that convert sugars into methane so animals like Kangaroo just don’t fart. 
Obviously I wasn’t done, and I needed to end it on a humorous note and I pulled down some points in the column of ‘obnoxious and obscene’ and posited that we should switch out cows, pigs, and chickens for their marsupial counterparts, like kangaroos and such and that would be better for the environment. It didn’t actually stop there, I got to thinking about how one dispatches chickens – you decapitate them and then them run about until they exsanguinate and stop moving, then you pick up the dead and dress it and you’re all set. Naturally I thought about what one could do in my fictional America where we’ve switched out to Kangaroos. What if you decapitated a Kangaroo and let it bound about? Kangaroos are big, lots of blood and energy and without a brain they’d probably take off bouncing along. Here’s the good part, imagine a new reality TV series where people bet online to see which Kangaroo, once properly beheaded gets as far as it can bounding off without a brain. Make it a national lottery, pack it with ads, boy, that would be a huge moneymaker.
There will be a full moon in two days. So, you know, that’s my excuse for all of this. People who know me shouldn’t even bat an eye at any of this. 🙂
You can’t really have a lot of negative things in your head just mobbing out all the good things that also have happened. To that end, today I have a particular real humor-based life preserver brought to me by the Apple Spotlight twitter account. Pictures are worth a thousand words, and this is worth a million billion bajillion lulz:
This pleases me.
I took a long while to hack at this problem and then I decided to be cheeky and post it to my door at work. If you know the answer, please keep it to yourself. If you don’t know the answer, don’t feel really bad that you can’t figure it out – it took smarter people than I a long time to get the answer. If you want to know if you are right, feel free to email me or iMessage me with your answer and I’ll let you know if you are right or not.
“Vanilla, chocolate, or something else entirely?”
Context is full of hidden landmines. This prompt could be for anything ranging from ice cream to sex. The entertainment value alone for a discussion on my sex life won’t be happening on this blog, so you can safe yourself the clutched pearls and faux shock. The only other option is a culinary question about ice cream preferences. I wouldn’t dare let even that subject be plain as that. I prefer to make my own ice cream, and when I do that I prefer to make it with dark chocolate, lots of vanilla for body, and crushed up Altoid mints for the flavor spike of mint that I really love when making my own ice creams. I am quite surprised that more ice cream manufacturers haven’t attempted to crush and incorporate Altoid mint flavors into their ice creams, but as it may be, I sometimes peek around corners and do things unexpected.
When it comes to commercial ice creams, I have to admit to a preference for Strawberry. About a year ago my partner, Scott introduced me to his favorite ice cream flavor that one of our local fast-food joints makes. Culvers sometimes makes what’s called Butter Brickle and I have to admit that it’s sometimes edging out my preferences for Strawberry.
As funny as innuendo goes, and as far as it’s applicable, what started out as a clear discussion of a topic not related to sex will almost always find it’s way right back into that sense wether you like it or not.
The best video I saw in reference to hilarious innuendo is the Star Trek Sexed Generation YouTube video. Here it is:
I’ve lived my life under a really useful expression. “Do not invite Vampires or Policemen into your home.” mostly because you just cannot trust a cop. They are supposed to protect and serve, at least that’s what it says on paper but everyone has seen instance after instance where the police abuse their powers granted to them by the people to do everything from simple infractions or derelictions of duty all the way up to what could be argued as murder. It runs the gamut, between the cop who turns on his sirens and lights to zoom through an intersection just so he can get to the donut shop because he’s got a dire craving to the cop that beats a retarded man nearly to death with a baton.
We don’t get that kind of action so much here in the delightful little town of Kalamazoo. By and large I’d say the cops are more an ever-present miasma than they are a downright menace. It’s a little town with a lot of police. You’ve got Michigan State Cops, you have Kalamazoo City Cops, you have County Sheriffs, and you have Kalamazoo Township Cops. Their spheres of influence are a messy geographic venn diagram and so because you don’t really get who does what, you just shrug and go about living your life.
Everything is just fine until you witness a cop breaking the law. Now I have to say that there are some situations where the law bends for a cop, like in an emergency the speed limit doesn’t matter and this post isn’t about that sort of thing. This post is about what happens when a cop, probably without thought, does something that is patently illegal – and you catch him at it.
Video says so much… so here we go. Officer Friendly driving 082 X 046 did something wrong:
[jwplayer mediaid=”2272″]
Yes, this is a very small infraction and lots of people do it all the time, I get that. But what irks me is when those who are set above us to “enforce the law” do not do so themselves. After looking up this particular naughty I came across this, which I sort of want to put on a ticket and attach to the cops car:
Negligent use of a motor vehicle – Prosecutable
Unattended – engine running or brake not set
Driver not in proper control of vehicle
Anyhow, I just took the video principally for lulz, but still, it is worth talking about. Who is above the law and who isn’t, and what those who aren’t do when they find out that the ones who are, aren’t.
I was reading this article on CNN on how the movie was specifically targeted to Christian evangelicals. I certainly agree with the premise and message of this article and I didn’t have anything directly to comment on.
After watching the movie, and this isn’t going to give away anything really since everyone at this point knows the general gist of the story, if not by the Broadway or Off-Broadway production of the work or even the source book, the fact that they released the movie on Christmas Day and also featured a series of scenes (not just one) where Santa is led into Thenardier’s Inn for some alcoholic and carnal refreshment. I find the image of a freshly tossed Santa wandering into the snow and sitting on a wooden box being pulled by an ass is an utterly delightful multidimensional blasphemy.
Universal has balls. Giant glittering Christmas balls. Release it on Christmas, whore up Santa, and then micromarket the movie to Christian evangelicals.
I would say that based on previous scenes of the movie, that the Thenardier’s may have plied Santa with liquor mixed with urine. So the blasphemy gets even more insidious and blasphemous as you contemplate this section of the movie. Released on Christmas, Liquor/piss-swilling, whore-tossing Santa who rides on a dull box (the sleigh went AWOL) pulled not by Reindeer, but by an … Ass. It’s like an obscene and elaborate hat-bow to people like me who can appreciate a earnest and heartfelt passion for obnoxious blasphemy against a religious figure. Then the cherry on top, which is that aforementioned evangelicals will suggest everyone in their flock go to see this movie for it’s religious overtones only to unintentionally deliver this hidden gem to their followers and nobody will walk away from the movie even mentioning it.
Nobody will be upset because the movie covers an emotional slap and tickle with bookended emotional bombs. You’ll be so overwhelmed with being emotionally victimized by this movie, and being glad for it, that you’ll overlook this whole Santa blasphemy.
Bravo!
I have determined that there is a minimum measure for whether or not you are part of civilization or if you are a filthy barbarian.
This is in your house if you are civilized:
And if you are a filthy uneducated barbarian:
As you can see, the differences are both subtle yet strangely profound. If you select this one thing incorrectly, you should be ashamed.
Now you know…
For a very long time I’ve noticed something very peculiar about my job. I like to call it the “Cardboard Standee Effect”. When my clients run into trouble using their technology they do their level best to resolve the issue before contacting me, as is what anyone would usually do, but then they give up. They contact me and ask me to either control their workstation or come out to visit them. I walk in, make my greeting and ask what the trouble is and then have them do the very exact thing they did before, which didn’t work for them, and then it works and they are utterly flummoxed.
I’ve mused in the past that the office is populated with invisible naughty gremlins that love to cause mischief. For some reason, in this imaginary framework, I like to think that I scare them off. All I have to do is walk in and arguably, that’s enough for all the technology to suddenly start working like it’s designed to.
On a more serious note, it occurs to me that each one of us has a unique perception of the world. Some males are colorblind while I am not. This sort of example may be a part of what this is all about. Perhaps my presence, my observation of the situation causes a change somehow in how things turn out. There is a lot of deep explorations one could take involving things like a Schrödinger wave collapse which might also contribute to the explanation of this. That my presence, my observation of the situation is really all that is needed to pin down the randomness in these kinds of situations.
Depending on my mood I switch between these two senses, the fantastical and the scientific. I think the world is rich enough to hold both at the same time without any trouble and it certainly does make for some easy laughs – at least for me. My coworkers may feel otherwise, but so far nobody has tried to clasp me in manacles and pin me to one place – yet. 🙂
The list includes Louisiana, Texas, Montana, North Dakota, Indiana, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, New Jersey, Colorado, Oregon, and New York. Of that list, I would be dismayed only for the last three, the others? I couldn’t push them out the door fast enough.
What’s most curious is that most of these states consume a lot of federal money. If they left the union, life would become very difficult for them. Just imagine the new tollways that would open up on their now-not-federally-supported-segments of the Eisenhower Interstate System. You thought the NYS Thruway was an expensive axle-mangler, just wait until Albany has to figure out how to fix it all on their own.
I think we can all say with a fair amount of humor, that Texas can leave whenever it damn well likes. Stop posturing and threatening, just do it already. I can’t wait to see how OPEC deals with The Great Christian Domain of Texas. That’ll be hilarious.
Hurricanes that slam into Galveston will now be regarded as Reality TV as “Those poor fools in Texas” try to cope without the rest of us. A lot of these red states think they can exist outside of all socialized connections with the other states and the Union, and I think they should be allowed to leave to feel what being truly alone feels like.
How fast they would rush back. And my, what sort of concessions they’d have to part with just to get back in. Just ask South Carolina about secession. It’s been more than a hundred years and they still haven’t recovered from the last time. But you never know, it might be different this time. (no, it won’t, it’ll be worse)
