Category Archives: History

Cloven Hoofywoofies

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Just finished the “2012 Great Colleges To Work For” survey sent from ModernThink, LLC. We received a message a while ago indicating that this was an important survey, and that it was important to certain people that we all fill it out.

When I got that email the first thing that came to mind was “Are you sure?”. So this morning I got the invitation to fill out the survey. I clicked my merry way through the questions and near the end there were two open-ended text-box questions. I wrote what I thought down, trying not to be terribly unfair or particularly abusive and came up with a rather compelling bit of text to include as a response for the survey. Then right before I clicked Next I thought I better re-read the invitation email, see if there was any fine print. The devil is in the details, are there any cloven-hoofywoofies behind ModernThink’s draperies?

This text immediately popped out at me:

"Please note, however, that your institution may have the opportunity to purchase a report that summarizes all employee responses to the two optional, open-ended questions at the end of the survey. The report will list all responses to those two questions in alphabetical order by the first letter of the response to ensure objectivity in reporting. In order to preserve your anonymity, please do not include your name or other identifying remarks in your responses."

Anyone who even has a passing knowledge of me can spot my writing style and my passionate bluntness right off the bat, so anything that I write really has my mental fingerprints all over it. In a way, anything that I had written in those optional boxes would have been an “identifying remark” so I highlighted the passages I spent about five minutes each writing and blanked them out. I did consider, just briefly putting in a Lorem Ipsum block, but I didn’t. I’ve learned the lesson from Facebook. It’s a lot like Fight Club, in so far that the chief rule about Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club. I just extended that to the survey. It’s far better for me professionally to deflect questions, change the subject, and… oh! isn’t this a pretty flower! 🙂

In a rather tongue-in-cheek way, a white anglo-saxon protestant knows how to ford those kinds of rapids. 🙂

I’m glad I read the fine print. I’m glad I spotted the hoofywoofies. I finished the survey and I can move on with my life.

P.S. I have to give props to Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman for the term “hoofywoofies”, it’s from their collaborative fiction book titled “Good Omens”. If you get a chance to read it, I highly recommend it.

LJ – Fear Itself

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From 11/26/2003

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey (Reuters) – Saying the threat of another terror attack remained high, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge urged Americans Tuesday to be vigilant as they set off on their travels for the Thanksgiving holiday.

So, what form should this call for vigilance take? Should I react as my government wishes, cowering under the covers before the big bad terrorists come to sucker-punch us all? Should we invest in plastic sheeting and duct tape, perhaps buy more canned goods and shotguns? And exactly which terrorist should we fear – the remote Osama-like one that we no longer really care about or the one much closer to home Bush, Cheney, Ridge >cough< ? Should my vigilance enable me to set random foreigners on fire with BBQ lighter fluid and a match or should I just let the air out of their tires and report their suspicious breathing habits to my local SS Officer FBI Officer (>cough<) ? While I'm wallowing in the new shiny Fear EverythingTM Module provided to me by my government, my vigilance will be keenly felt by all around me as I refuse to change my behavior just because some be-suited moron tells me to be afraid.

As a people, we’re supposedly more terrified than our founding father’s slaves ever were… it’d be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragically sad.

I can imagine that both George Orwell and Eugene McCarthy are spinning in their graves, in opposite directions, of course.

LJ – I Hate George W. Bush A Lot

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From 10/14/2003

I started on a particular jag in this post here about our wonderful selectident. This got me thinking about what we’ve pretty much come to accept as the truth when all you see is a kaliedoscope of lies coming from our government, that eventually the lies show fault lines and one can piece together bits of a roadmap to the truth.

I think everyone can agree that the entire campaign in Iraq was driven by two primary factors, the first being Greed, the lust for money stored as oil underneath Iraq; the second being Pride, the fact that our Selectident is a A-1 class wimp just like his father and to prove his masculinity needed to exercise his will upon the people of Iraq. We’ve watched as US Military Servicemen are killed, blown up, commit suicide, or go AWOL for this meaningless sandbox exercise. What first had the inklings of Vietnam is now just a REALLY expensive Vietnam – one could call this Vietnam II – more expensive and lacking in a ready supply of reason to fight.

We went to war in Iraq, at least in the adverts for the war, because Iraq wielded Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD). Nearly every civilized and industrialized country has WMD’s including the US, France, Britain, Israel, Pakistan, and India. We were told that Iraq had WMD just after Dick Cheney wrote up his still-obfuscated Energy Policy which upon lots of digging turned up analysis maps of oil reserves in Iraq shortly before the war. We were able to dupe ourselves that we are in Iraq to “Win the hearts and minds” and “Remove the WMD threat” and over time these threadbare lies started to show their seams – now we’re there for the oil and we’ll bleed as much as we need to to start the pumps and hook our Hummers up to the tap. Turns out that Iraq didn’t have any WMD at all, therefore there was zero real threat, just Saddam gallivanting around. We could have with our immense and well-paid Intelligence Services discovered the truth behind WMD, but instead we had allegations of WMD and a false report of Yellowcake from Africa. So we know we are literally dying for Iraq’s oil.

Now we’ve seen North Korea rant and rave about having WMD, in fact they have jumped onto the world stage and admitted to processing weapons-grade plutonium! To hell with Yellowcake from Africa! What are we doing in regards to North Korea? Absolutely nothing. I think it’s because there isn’t any easily exploitable natural resources in North Korea. We can’t find a hole to rape so why bother? Because our entire point was to unmask Saddam’s WMD (Which don’t exist) and that led us to an invasion and hostile occupation of Iraq – we are failing to invade and occupy North Korea.

I think our Selectident has sent hundreds of Americans to die, and impovershed the rest of us so that he could line the pockets of his profiteering oil-swine friends, to make them squeal with abject delight knowing that cash will be flowing like a mighty river. The inconsistency is the rub here, we go after Iraq for allegations of WMD, yet we ignore North Korea when they *admit* to having WMD. If logic is to persevere then we must plainly attack North Korea and then rebuild that country. I suspect we shall do no such thing. I would go on to suspect that we would have gone after Saudi Arabia much earlier if they didn’t have the necessary cash to buy us off – we won’t rape that hole, even if it’s gushing with crude oil.

So what is the bottom line? Bush, our selectident wasn’t popularly elected, he ruined the American Economy, he plunged us into an unwinnable war, he ordered American Servicemen to their deaths for personal profit, he defaced the American Flag, which is worse than burning it and it is a FEDERAL CRIME TO DO SO, he completely botched our relationship with The United Nations – he set an entire soverign country on fire – and committed each and every one of us to an atrocity of genocide against the Hussein family and more generally, anyone in Iraq who doesn’t lick our feet.

How to resolve this? The Selectident must be recalled. He must be impeached. He simply must not be allowed to acquire any more power whatsoever and he absolutely must not serve another term in office. He will ruin the United States and with his concentrated cowardice, fear, and lust for blood he will render unto the Earth a new kind of Corporate Hell – with fire and suffering for each and every American Citizen. Anyone who votes for Bush in 2004 is clearly voting to ruin whatever is left of our nation, our way of life, and our liberty.

LJ – Citibank Brings The Funny

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From 10/11/2003

Got this letter in the mail, from AT&T Universal (just Citibank with the 3rd face of Satan) regarding “Is your AT&T Universal Card meeting your credit needs?” and goes on to state that “we’ve noticed you haven’t used your card in a while, what can we do to enrich your credit experience?” and they make such awe-inspiring claims as “The point is, when you call us, you call the shots.” and “We’ll make it worth your while.”

They weren’t ready to make it worth my while, nor were they ready for me to call the shots, as it were.

I read the letter and called them up and told them that I’d like them to cut my APR to 5.99% permanently and offer me a 3.99% Balance-Xfer for the life of whatever I xfer to the card until it is paid off. They were very conciliatory and told me that they’d be happy to meet my 5.99 request but only for 6 months.

I thanked them for their time and put the card back in the satchel of unused plastic.

They weren’t really serious, and I’m not really serious about using it. Funny how that works.

LJ – Catholics and Their Pets

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From 10/6/2003</h2

An authoritative magazine published by the Jesuits has lashed out at the culture of pampered pets, saying animals have no souls or rights.

But they have our love more ardently than we could ever have for the Jesuits or their Church. Yeah, you’ll go to church and you’ll say what you have to because you think you should – but you’ll *do anything* for your pet. Ah well, not like they are really relevant.

UPDATE:

Saw this when lisa asked some questions about it…

But, it says, “the spending of money on very expensive and expressly made foods to nourish dogs and cats is completely mad and morally condemnatory”.

Such a harsh position was unlikely to go unnoticed yesterday, the feast of St Francis of Assisi, who befriended animals and fed birds.

Father Mario Canciani, who blesses pets in Santa Maria in Trastevere Church, in Rome, says the article was written in isolation from the real world.

“The average theologian is almost always solitary, and closed in his ivory tower,” he says.

=laughing my way all the way to the birdbath=

LJ – What A Fool

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From 9/26/2003

Our selectident is installed without the popular vote, he ruins the economy and plunges us into Vietnam II: Electric Bugaloo, tells us we’re there for Weapons of Mass Destruction then we find out there aren’t any. Then he says that Saddam Hussein is a vicious and horrible tyrant, one for which the United States loved while he was at war with Iran and for which we sent Donald Rumsfeld to Iraq back in the 80’s to have his picture taken shaking Saddam’s hand. Then the selectident declares genocide on the Hussein family, has Saddam’s sons perforated for their troubles and then saddles our beleaguered economy with supporting Iraq in the post-war “end of hostilities” era… only to find out that it costs a lot of money to put Humpty Dumpty Iraq back together again. Then our most esteemed selectident goes to the United Nations, the governing body that was declared irrelevant before the war, suddenly becomes frighteningly relevant after the war – our misleader walks up to the UN podium and instead of apologizing for a huge mistake, namely, mass-scale murder, he swaggers up to the podium and declares “If you aren’t with us, you are against us!” then walks off the stage.

Today I saw a headline that just made it all worth it:

Blow for U.S. as UN Staff Quit, Iraqi Leader Mourned

A U.S. army soldier guards the front of the United Nations headquarters in Baghdad, September 26, 2003. Mourners gathered in Baghdad for the funeral of a U.S.-appointed Iraqi leader Akila al-Hashemi assassinated by gunmen, as the United Nations pulled more staff out of the country following two suicide bomb attacks. (Ceewan Aziz/Reuters)

So, our selectident not only angers the world at large, but also pisses on the UN, then demands they help – and they leave. I can’t see any big surprises here at all. I can’t wait until they ask for another $100 Billion dollars for Iraq, and toss in the kicker, that it’ll take that same amount every 6 months for 5 years to give the poor Iraqi’s what they deserve.

Don’t get me started on what the poor Americans deserve… after all, we live in the lap of luxury and nobody is homeless, hungry, or out of work.

LJ – McDonald's is a creation of Satan…

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From 7/22/2003

A Parish magazine caused a storm last night by printing claims fast-food giant McDonald’s was created by Satan. The Rev John Wright published an anonymous article in his bi-monthly newsletter stating dieters craving a Big Mac and fries are being tempted by the Devil.

Mr Wright, vicar of St Mary the Virgin Church in Tetbury, Gloucestershire, whose parishioners include Prince Charles, insisted it was a tongue-in-cheek commentary on people’s fight against the flab.

McDonald’s yesterday insisted it was not the work of Satan.

The article, written by an unknown parishioner in Old Testament-style, also claims the TV remote control, fried potatoes and even the NHS are evil.

It said: “And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man would live a long and healthy life.

“But Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the double cheeseburger. And McDonald’s said to Man ‘You want fries with that?’ And Man gained pounds.” Mr Wright said the piece was handed to him by a member of his congregation who suggested he use it in the magazine, but that he did not know who wrote it.

LJ – Network Hell

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From 5/20/2003

Now so much in the Arrgh department but in the Duh department I just discovered that some of my UA shirts that I like so much for my workouts are starting to show some erosion from the label on the shorts I’m wearing when I work out. The label is rough enough to really rub the surface of my shirts making them marred. This irks me.

What really gets me is something I came across while helping some people over at OIT install the new Groupwise system on our servers. The one tech complained that he couldn’t get files over to our DEV_1 server at all. I thought that was strange so when I got back to work I checked out the server and in 190 days of uptime it recorded 6 million alignment errors, 6 million frame errors, and 7 million collisions. At first I thought it was the drop cable, so I found another drop cable, tested it, tested good, then put it in. The server saw nothing different, still logging alignment and frame errors and collisions aplenty. I then took my handy-dandy Fluke NetTool and plugged it in between the server and the Cisco 2900XL switch. Klump-perthank-perklunk. The Fluke instantly started recording frame errors, collisions, and alignment errors on the left RJ jack, the jack heading to the switch. At this point I thought maybe I had a bad port, but I was a little leery about that because it was a brand new Cisco switch, to have a port go from hunky-dory to completely floppy like this was something I’ve never seen happen. I wandered about my Fluke tool’s display for a short bit to see if there was anything else I could notice and voila, there it was, small and out of the way, but I found that the switch (while capable of full duplex) was only set for half duplex, while my server was set for full duplex. What irks me is that this switch didn’t automatically shift from half to full as I thought all switches were designed to do, but just sat there for all this time piling up the errors I didn’t know were piling on because nobody complained. I think what really irks me is this fancy-dancy Cisco 2900XL switch is a *managed* switch, which means they can control the ports activities from remote. I would think that setting full duplex would be something so brainless that turning it to half-duplex would be a challenge. I can’t wait for what tomorrow brings, because I have a work order to have them fix it. One of the little things that I’m not allowed to do anymore is touch the networking gear on my own – that’s all handled by the university. God help us all.

LJ – Prostitutes and Telemarketers

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From 5/16/2003

Just got a call from a company called (I think) Kenworth. They mysteriously called me out of the blue to offer me anti-static wipes for the low-low cost of $1.89 per pack. While I was talking to the nice female telemarketer biped, I couldn’t help but overhear OTHER sales pitches going out at the same time, as well as an echo on the phone line itself. So not only did I have this strange talking creature (I refuse to call them human) attempting to sell me static-free wipes, but I could hear my own voice, as well as hers, and several other people in their little calling pod. So, we’ve got cheap products being sold by fake people on cheap telephone lines, located in a cheap office using cheap equipment. All very cheap. She said that she’d be happy to send me 130 packets to test for the low, low price of $1.89 per packet and that she’d expedite the shipping. I originally thought the offer was for free stuff (and I wasn’t listening, only marking out the words and giving the proper brainless backchannel grunts) so I said “Is your offer free?” and she corrected me. Then I was on the spot, but then my clever little mind came up with a very useful lie “I’m sorry, my budgets been frozen…” to which she responded “So, do you know when it will be, uh, un-frozen?” to which the only possible path while in the lie, and to get what I really wanted (her to hang up) was “For the forseeable future I’m afraid, economy is all soft these days.” She politely and VERY QUICKLY ended the conversation and hung up.

I sat there with the phone against my head, revelling in the newly established dialtone and then I realized it… the only way to make prostitutes and telemarketers go away is to profess a lack of money. It is this abject poverty which will save me from these horrible little trollish people. Every once in a while I flirt with the idea of having a siezure on the phone, or perhaps expressing my dismay at badly cutting myself with a boxcutter…

Which raises an interesting question… what do other people do to make the banes of telemarketing go away?

LJ – Stupid Warning Labels

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From 7/29/2003

Stupid Warning Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.