Category Archives: LiveJournal

LJ – Catholics and Their Pets

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From 10/6/2003</h2

An authoritative magazine published by the Jesuits has lashed out at the culture of pampered pets, saying animals have no souls or rights.

But they have our love more ardently than we could ever have for the Jesuits or their Church. Yeah, you’ll go to church and you’ll say what you have to because you think you should – but you’ll *do anything* for your pet. Ah well, not like they are really relevant.

UPDATE:

Saw this when lisa asked some questions about it…

But, it says, “the spending of money on very expensive and expressly made foods to nourish dogs and cats is completely mad and morally condemnatory”.

Such a harsh position was unlikely to go unnoticed yesterday, the feast of St Francis of Assisi, who befriended animals and fed birds.

Father Mario Canciani, who blesses pets in Santa Maria in Trastevere Church, in Rome, says the article was written in isolation from the real world.

“The average theologian is almost always solitary, and closed in his ivory tower,” he says.

=laughing my way all the way to the birdbath=

LJ – What A Fool

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From 9/26/2003

Our selectident is installed without the popular vote, he ruins the economy and plunges us into Vietnam II: Electric Bugaloo, tells us we’re there for Weapons of Mass Destruction then we find out there aren’t any. Then he says that Saddam Hussein is a vicious and horrible tyrant, one for which the United States loved while he was at war with Iran and for which we sent Donald Rumsfeld to Iraq back in the 80’s to have his picture taken shaking Saddam’s hand. Then the selectident declares genocide on the Hussein family, has Saddam’s sons perforated for their troubles and then saddles our beleaguered economy with supporting Iraq in the post-war “end of hostilities” era… only to find out that it costs a lot of money to put Humpty Dumpty Iraq back together again. Then our most esteemed selectident goes to the United Nations, the governing body that was declared irrelevant before the war, suddenly becomes frighteningly relevant after the war – our misleader walks up to the UN podium and instead of apologizing for a huge mistake, namely, mass-scale murder, he swaggers up to the podium and declares “If you aren’t with us, you are against us!” then walks off the stage.

Today I saw a headline that just made it all worth it:

Blow for U.S. as UN Staff Quit, Iraqi Leader Mourned

A U.S. army soldier guards the front of the United Nations headquarters in Baghdad, September 26, 2003. Mourners gathered in Baghdad for the funeral of a U.S.-appointed Iraqi leader Akila al-Hashemi assassinated by gunmen, as the United Nations pulled more staff out of the country following two suicide bomb attacks. (Ceewan Aziz/Reuters)

So, our selectident not only angers the world at large, but also pisses on the UN, then demands they help – and they leave. I can’t see any big surprises here at all. I can’t wait until they ask for another $100 Billion dollars for Iraq, and toss in the kicker, that it’ll take that same amount every 6 months for 5 years to give the poor Iraqi’s what they deserve.

Don’t get me started on what the poor Americans deserve… after all, we live in the lap of luxury and nobody is homeless, hungry, or out of work.

LJ – McDonald's is a creation of Satan…

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From 7/22/2003

A Parish magazine caused a storm last night by printing claims fast-food giant McDonald’s was created by Satan. The Rev John Wright published an anonymous article in his bi-monthly newsletter stating dieters craving a Big Mac and fries are being tempted by the Devil.

Mr Wright, vicar of St Mary the Virgin Church in Tetbury, Gloucestershire, whose parishioners include Prince Charles, insisted it was a tongue-in-cheek commentary on people’s fight against the flab.

McDonald’s yesterday insisted it was not the work of Satan.

The article, written by an unknown parishioner in Old Testament-style, also claims the TV remote control, fried potatoes and even the NHS are evil.

It said: “And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man would live a long and healthy life.

“But Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the double cheeseburger. And McDonald’s said to Man ‘You want fries with that?’ And Man gained pounds.” Mr Wright said the piece was handed to him by a member of his congregation who suggested he use it in the magazine, but that he did not know who wrote it.

LJ – Network Hell

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From 5/20/2003

Now so much in the Arrgh department but in the Duh department I just discovered that some of my UA shirts that I like so much for my workouts are starting to show some erosion from the label on the shorts I’m wearing when I work out. The label is rough enough to really rub the surface of my shirts making them marred. This irks me.

What really gets me is something I came across while helping some people over at OIT install the new Groupwise system on our servers. The one tech complained that he couldn’t get files over to our DEV_1 server at all. I thought that was strange so when I got back to work I checked out the server and in 190 days of uptime it recorded 6 million alignment errors, 6 million frame errors, and 7 million collisions. At first I thought it was the drop cable, so I found another drop cable, tested it, tested good, then put it in. The server saw nothing different, still logging alignment and frame errors and collisions aplenty. I then took my handy-dandy Fluke NetTool and plugged it in between the server and the Cisco 2900XL switch. Klump-perthank-perklunk. The Fluke instantly started recording frame errors, collisions, and alignment errors on the left RJ jack, the jack heading to the switch. At this point I thought maybe I had a bad port, but I was a little leery about that because it was a brand new Cisco switch, to have a port go from hunky-dory to completely floppy like this was something I’ve never seen happen. I wandered about my Fluke tool’s display for a short bit to see if there was anything else I could notice and voila, there it was, small and out of the way, but I found that the switch (while capable of full duplex) was only set for half duplex, while my server was set for full duplex. What irks me is that this switch didn’t automatically shift from half to full as I thought all switches were designed to do, but just sat there for all this time piling up the errors I didn’t know were piling on because nobody complained. I think what really irks me is this fancy-dancy Cisco 2900XL switch is a *managed* switch, which means they can control the ports activities from remote. I would think that setting full duplex would be something so brainless that turning it to half-duplex would be a challenge. I can’t wait for what tomorrow brings, because I have a work order to have them fix it. One of the little things that I’m not allowed to do anymore is touch the networking gear on my own – that’s all handled by the university. God help us all.

LJ – Prostitutes and Telemarketers

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From 5/16/2003

Just got a call from a company called (I think) Kenworth. They mysteriously called me out of the blue to offer me anti-static wipes for the low-low cost of $1.89 per pack. While I was talking to the nice female telemarketer biped, I couldn’t help but overhear OTHER sales pitches going out at the same time, as well as an echo on the phone line itself. So not only did I have this strange talking creature (I refuse to call them human) attempting to sell me static-free wipes, but I could hear my own voice, as well as hers, and several other people in their little calling pod. So, we’ve got cheap products being sold by fake people on cheap telephone lines, located in a cheap office using cheap equipment. All very cheap. She said that she’d be happy to send me 130 packets to test for the low, low price of $1.89 per packet and that she’d expedite the shipping. I originally thought the offer was for free stuff (and I wasn’t listening, only marking out the words and giving the proper brainless backchannel grunts) so I said “Is your offer free?” and she corrected me. Then I was on the spot, but then my clever little mind came up with a very useful lie “I’m sorry, my budgets been frozen…” to which she responded “So, do you know when it will be, uh, un-frozen?” to which the only possible path while in the lie, and to get what I really wanted (her to hang up) was “For the forseeable future I’m afraid, economy is all soft these days.” She politely and VERY QUICKLY ended the conversation and hung up.

I sat there with the phone against my head, revelling in the newly established dialtone and then I realized it… the only way to make prostitutes and telemarketers go away is to profess a lack of money. It is this abject poverty which will save me from these horrible little trollish people. Every once in a while I flirt with the idea of having a siezure on the phone, or perhaps expressing my dismay at badly cutting myself with a boxcutter…

Which raises an interesting question… what do other people do to make the banes of telemarketing go away?

LJ – Stupid Warning Labels

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From 7/29/2003

Stupid Warning Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase nesessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

LJ – Stress Management

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From 7/22/2003

Stress Management Technique

Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is a stress management
technique
recommended in all the latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called “the
world,”

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of
serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding
underwater.

LJ – Smirking Chimp

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From 6/26/2003

Saw this on www.smirkingchimp.com, reprinted from America Held Hostile

The facts do not support George Bush’s or Colin Powell’s statements. These two men testified before all of the people of our great country and the representatives of other nations falsely.

The document that purported to show the connection of Iraq seeking enriched uranium had been declared a forgery long before George Walker Bush uttered those words in his State of the Union Address in January 2003. The “intelligence” documents that Colin Powell waved in the air were plagiarized from the thesis of a college student that was more than twelve years old.

The proof of their statements has been shown to be false in the weeks following George Walker Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” speech from the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln on May 1, 2003.

On June 21, 2003, George Walker Bush said “The intelligence services of many nations concluded that he had illegal weapons and the regime refused to provide evidence they had been destroyed. We are determined to discover the true extent of Saddam Hussein’s weapons programs, no matter how long it takes,”

That’s a far cry from his earlier testimonies of quantities of WMDs. Now we are looking for papers and documents of past “programs,” not actual weapons.

The “mobile biological weapons labs” have been found to be units sold to Iraq by Great Britain for the purpose of inflating artillery balloons with hydrogen.

We have found fertilizer factories, swimming pools and vacuum cleaners.

We have sacrificed the lives of almost two hundred of our best and bravest. We have caused the deaths of approximately 10,000 Iraqi civilians.

We have found no weapons of mass destruction.

We, my friends, have been played for fools. We have been lied to.

I feel so patriotically ashamed… but it’s the Shrub at the wheel and I’ve got a good idea about how and why he was selected president and I will never ever vote for any republican candidate, no matter who his rival is. Anything is better than the GOP that drags the nation into Hell.

LJ – Too Much Time

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From 6/23/2003

In Cedarburg, Wisconsin some locals have decided that the local playground, built with donated funds for the enjoyment of children has to be hidden because the colors used in the playground do not mesh properly with the theme of place in which this playground is in. Several other people have arranged a petition and wish the school to erect some sort of visual boundary which hides the “Playground of Atrocious Colors” from peoples sight.

Quote:

“I love children. I love the schoolyard,” said Phyllis Widstrand, who has lived across from Parkview for 33 years and enjoys watching children play there. “(But) the colors are atrocious. They’re McDonald’s colors. They’re bright yellow, bright red, bright blue.”

Widstrand and her husband, John, are among 23 neighbors who signed a petition protesting the brightly colored equipment. The neighbors are asking school officials to screen the swings and slides on two sides with evergreen trees.

The bright primary colors look out of place in the area, according to Widstrand, who said she would have preferred more subtle earth tones.

“It does not fit the Cedarburg type of landscape,” she said. “Maybe the children do like (the bright colors). I think they would be just as happy with brown, beige and green.”

Although she can’t see the playground from her house, Dori Cesario signed the petition because she understood the concerns. Many people wished they had been consulted ahead of time about the equipment’s appearance, Cesario said.

“It looks like McDonald’s with all those colors. It does stand out,” she said. “My grandchildren like it, and it looks cute, but they should have asked us first.”

People with too much time on their hands are always the most fun… 😉

LJ – Bottoms Up!

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From 6/20/2003

I got this message forwarded on to me from the head MD at our local health clinic:

Dear employee:

Alcohol use among college students is a serious and growing public
health problem, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human
Services. Their comprehensive report, entitled “Healthy People
2010,” demands a reduction in the prevalence of binge drinking on
campuses. Forty percent of college students have engaged in binge
drinking – defined as consuming five or more drinks in a row for men
and four or more drinks in a row for women – in the past two weeks.

I distinctly remember my freedom to drink myself silly back when I was in College to be one of the best fundamental lessons of my entire life. The freedom that came with College life, and the ability to intoxicate yourself willfully, even dangerously, was the perfect teacher of “Actions have Consequences”. I found the pleasure and pain of that entire part of my life helped me understand many things, including personal limits, unintentional weight gain, and a new appreciation of ultra-intense headache pain. A dry campus, or one for which this message later on urged, that concerned staffers mentor students not to drink, robs these students of the chance to learn from the most effective teacher possible – pain and agony – and the ability to drink until your obnoxious roommate becomes a permanent visual blur.

Drink Up Kids!