I just got a notice that Verizon is going to be expanding their LTE service in the lower peninsula of Michigan and covering Flint, Detroit, Lansing, and Grand Rapids. That Kalamazoo isn’t on that list is only sauce for the goose of course, but it’s a particular bittersweet sauce.

What’s the problem with really fast mobile broadband traffic? The problem is twofold, and it’s partially a problem with the consumer group and partially with the carrier. First, what is the consumer going to do with 5 to 12 mbps downlink and 2 to 5 mbps uplink? It comes down to applications and the speeds at which they are most well suited. Mobile data currently is composed of streaming traffic such as XM and Pandora, PIM data such as BES traffic, email, CalDAV and CardDAV traffic, and small application data such as navigation apps and other social media applications. Currently all of these applications work well on 3G networks, and moving to LTE, well, what would that get you? The applications themselves aren’t really going to benefit from the increase in network speed, but there is one network application that will benefit and that is video. Video uplink and video downlink. Much like what drove VHS development in the eighties and nineties, it is going to be pornography that will flow over these fast circuits. It’s not productivity anymore, that putters along at 3G speeds, now it’s going to be prurient content that dominates the airwaves once LTE traffic is established. This of course is a trap. The next problem is the carrier itself. LTE traffic is going to encourage people to consume more network traffic over their mobile device and porn is just the tip of the iceberg. Verizon is going to establish data caps, if they haven’t already, and this is going to be a cash cow for any carrier. If you give a busy male executive “Broadband in your pocket” then he’s going to most likely end up trying to seek out “Broads in your pocket”. They’ll be pounding down the gigabytes. After that, the only other application that is best suited for really fast networks is BitTorrent traffic. So people will be consuming porn and illegal movies on their mobile devices and generally making both a biochemical and legal mess of themselves.

Of course we can’t discount the why behind LTE. Verizon, along with all the other carriers are pressured to always enhance their services that they provide. So much like the insipid megapixel battles when digital cameras were first being developed we’ll now have a “G” battle over ever-increasing speeds. A network that is super-fast, built for porn and huge carrier bills. This has your average white male shareholders pants filling with reproductive fluids just at the thought of the profits-to-come.

So I call bullshit on LTE. It’s bullshit because it’s core application is fapping. If that’s all there is, then LTE is just that, just so much fapping. It’s bullshit because it’s a money trap for fools dumb enough to subscribe to it. Once the population gets this mobile broadband experience they are going to blithely blow right past their data caps and land smack dab in wireless-bill-bankruptcy. I can’t wait until the wife opens the bill and sees a $1600 charge for a massive use of data and ask her husband, who told her that the reason his right arm was so much bigger than his left was because of his handedness in Tennis. Of course. Sure it is. The only people who will benefit from LTE will be the carriers. They’ll be raking in the cash and laughing their way to the bank. Mark my words.