There are some things that I have to actively suppress when it comes to my life, my health, or my continued jail-free existence. I don’t know what it is, but there are some things that fill me with this unusual and unnamable compulsion to explore and fiddle with.

First is this:

I don’t know what it is about these. The color, what it means, or the fact that it sets off every alarm in a building. I’ve yet to succumb to pulling one of these for the sheer thrill of it. And I am fully aware of how much of a giant asshole I would be if I pulled it without a fire. I almost always have to put my hands in my pockets to avoid the temptation.

Next:

Yes, this is an automobile power socket, sometimes called an accessory socket or a cigarette lighter socket. For years I’ve had this very odd urge to jam my finger into this socket. I know that a cars 12 volt, 15 amp electrical system is certain death but there is a very small piece of me that wants to just do it. What’s really agonizing is that I have two of these facing me every day in my Hyundai Santa Fé. Over the years I’ve found that if I close one of the accessory sockets with its cap and stuff the other one with an actual accessory plug that this itchy-finger problem simply disappears. Just to head it off at the pass, I would NEVER do any of these things, this is all about the odd thoughts that pop into my head, not the things I actually act on. So put down the crazy-pants spastic reaction bucket and back away.

Next:

This one is purely violent and malicious. I want to drive a car that I don’t care one iota for and push the engine right to the red-line and then throw it in reverse and pound down with every fiber of my being just to hear the transmission endure total annihilation. Related to this is a similar wish, and that requires the car again at red-line and then throwing it into Park and listen to the guts of the machine tear itself apart.

The only problem with this, is that I’ve seen it done on Mythbusters. Turns out modern cars have safety equipment and protocols in place to prevent this very strange procedure from actually working. Throwing a car into reverse at full speed does nothing but put the transmission in neutral, same for Park. Curses!

Next:

This one is a classic. I wish to utterly destroy using a sledgehammer this object. Anyone in IT will instantly recognize this damned machine for what it is. I want to dump it in a field, don safety gear and then proceed to destroy this object with an epic passion.

Thankfully here I don’t have to, the movie OfficeSpace did this for me. I will forever be indebted to their depiction of the violent destruction of this hated thing.

Last but not least:

This is a generalized urge. I see these in lots of places and have to squeeze my eyes closed very tightly and stuff my hands in my pockets. The delirious intoxication from wondering what would happen if you pounded this as hard as you could is dizzying. I’m sure many of these are connected to fire suppression or chemical exposure accidents and would do a serious number if ever I allowed my id to do what it wants, which is to POUND THIS SUCKER AS HARD AS I CAN, with a scream and giggles afterwards.

Again, television has already covered this, Ren and Stimpy did it.

Does anyone else have these secret little urges? Let us know in the comments. 🙂