If you could have any author –living or dead – write your biography, who would you choose?

My biography would be a funny thing, I would need someone with a good grasp on the absurd and with a nice turn of phrase that I could appreciate. Who would I choose? There are some classic authors that come to mind but mostly because they seem appropriate that they come to mind, not because they would do it very well. Out of all the names you could choose, of all the people the one that’s the best fit would likely have been Voltaire. Anyone who wrote Candide would likely be able to grasp my life and give it the tone it deserves for my biography.