Here’s something that I’ve noticed. When trying to explore French cuisine I’ve discovered something very important. No ingredient in France has anything to do with any ingredient in the New World. A leek in France is a tiny little wimpy thing, a leek in the New World can be used to defend your home. A chicken breast in France is exactly 1/4 inch thick, while a chicken breast in the New World is 4 inches thick.

What do we see here? Everything in the New World is bigger. Terragon can be attached to an axle and made into a house-sized fan. In France finding a chicken that is 2 pounds in total weight isn’t a problem, “mais oui!” but in the New World a two pound chicken was probably trampled by a baby New World chicken. The New World chickens start at 6 pounds.

A part of me wants to invite these French chefs to come to the New World, drop them in Meijers with their very own recipe books and watch them weep, then claw at their faces regretting the day they were born for putting pen to paper and insisting that a two pound chicken is a possibility. Chickens do not come in two pound sizes. They emerge from the egg, they rocket to 5 pounds in about 10 minutes and then if they are caught a little later after they hit 6 pounds, like the little bastard we have in the pot currently, we’re very lucky!

So, this cooking French thing is more a test of our instant-read thermometer than paying any attention to the actual recipe. If I can find a whole year to do nothing I can dwell in my kitchen and convert all these fussy french oddities into real New World foods. I don’t have a year, I have some rather silly French cookbooks, but above all else I have an entire rack of wine with which to cope with all this fussy French silliness.

Don’t get me started on their cows… That’s why they fear pickpockets so much. Cow theft. Really. Moo? Screw that. Mee.